Ask an Academic: The Secrets of Boys

[ By on December 03, 2012 ]

Ask an Academic: The Secrets of Boys
The New Yorker – March 16, 2011
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In the late nineteen-eighties, Niobe Way worked as a counselor at an urban  public high school, where she spent hours each day listening to teen-agers,  especially boys, speak about their struggles with friendship, betrayal, and  heartbreak. Boys and men are often seen through stereotypes as emotionally  illiterate, stoic, and extremely independent. But that rings a bit false, as Way  remembers, because the boys she worked with were much more complicated.

In her new book, “Deep  Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection,” Way reveals the  intense intimacy that exists within boys’ friendships. Her research includes  interviews with black, Latino, white, and Asian-American boys as they progressed  through adolescence. In the first chapter, we meet Justin, a fifteen-year-old  boy:

[My best friend and I] love each other … that’s it … you have this  thing that is deep, so deep, it’s within you, you can’t explain it. It’s just a  thing that you know that that person is that person … and that is all that  should be important in our friendship … I guess in life, sometimes two people  can really, really, understand each other and really have a trust, respect and  love for each other. It just happens, it’s human nature.

Based on what Justin says, one might predict that this is a friendship bound  to last, but as Way points out in the book, boys tend to become more  distrustful, lose their friendships, and begin to feel increasingly isolated and  alone as they reach “manhood.” Recently, Way, a professor in the Department of  Applied Psychology at N.Y.U.’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and  Human Development, discussed her new book with me. An edited version of our  conversation appears below.

Why boys?

My interest in boys’ development grew out of listening to my younger brothers  and the boys I met while working as a counselor. I became fascinated by the  discrepancy between the stereotypes of boys and what boys actually sounded like.  I wanted to learn about their social and emotional developments, particularly  during adolescence—the age during which boys are most heavily stereotyped as  stoic and only interested in one thing (i.e., sex). I discovered that while boys  do sound and act like stereotypes at times, they also often implicitly challenge  such stereotypes especially in the context of their closest male friendships.

Boys openly expressed to us their love for their friends and emphasized that  sharing “deep” secrets was the most important aspect of their closest male  friendships. They also told us that they would go “wacko” without these friends.  I realized that these patterns among boys have been ignored by the larger  culture because such expressions are considered by this culture as girlish and  gay. Thus, to admit that boys have or want emotionally intimate male  friendships, or to reveal their emotional sensitivity, is to implicitly accuse  them of being gay. Rather than questioning why emotional sensitivity and  emotionally intimate friendships are given a sex (female) and a sexuality (gay),  we simply ignore boys’ friendships and the ways in which they do not fit our  gender stereotypes.

What do boys want in friendships (with other boys)? How does that change  as they grow older?

Boys want “deep depth” friendships with other boys in which secrets are  shared, trust is total, and they have the confidence that their friend will not  betray them or laugh at them when they are feeling vulnerable. These themes of  intimacy are particularly evident during early and middle adolescence. During  late adolescence, however, boys begin to lose their closest male friendships,  become more distrustful of their male peers, and in some cases, become less  willing to be emotionally expressive. They start sounding, in other words, like  gender stereotypes. When they talk about intimacy that might remain in their  closest male friendships, they use the expression “no homo” to underscore their  heterosexual status. Questions about close friendships from the interviewers  become, for the boys during late adolescence, questions about sexuality. Many of  the boys in our studies spoke about feelings of loneliness and isolation during  late adolescence and how they missed their formerly close male friendships. We  heard these patterns of loss and distrust right at the moment in development  that the rates of suicide among boys in the United States jumps up to become  four times the rate of girls.

Why do these changes happen?

These changes occur during late adolescence because cultural pressures to  become a “man” are intensified during this period of growth. In American  culture, becoming a man is linked with being emotionally stoic, autonomous, and  physically tough. If boys do not follow these dictates of manhood, they are  perceived as gay or girlish—and boys who are heterosexual don’t want to be  perceived in such ways. These changes also occur because boys, like girls,  increasingly buy into the cultural belief that having a romantic partner makes  you mature and happy and that these relationships are more important than  friendships. They begin to believe that friendships should be sacrificed for the  sake of romantic relationships.

Is this specific to just American boys?

My studies have focused almost exclusively on American boys. But, the studies  I’ve done of boys (and girls) in China suggest that the patterns of intimacy  among boys are also found in Chinese adolescent boys. Yet I do know that many  cultures around the world emphasize the importance of male friendships much more  than Americans do. American culture is a hyper-masculine one in which you might  rarely see two heterosexual men holding hands. Such signs of affection are  common in many parts of the world outside of the States.

Throughout the book, you bring up the phrase “no homo,” something that  boys—both younger and older—will use to indicate that they are not homosexual.  How did this term originate, and why is it used so often?

This term is used to indicate that what they are saying is not evidence of  homosexuality. Boys, particularly during late adolescence, used this phrase when  they revealed something that could be misinterpreted as evidence of  homosexuality in our culture…. For example, boys would say: “I will stick by him  through thick and thin, no homo,” or “I share all my deep secrets with him, no  homo.” This is strong evidence that while we may think we live in a progressive  culture in which being gay or a girl is considered as positive as being a  heterosexual boy, we remain in a culture that uses “gay,” “girly,” or simply “girl” as a slander for boys and girls (e.g. “you are such a girl”). The phrase “no homo” is used so often by heterosexual boys. This also includes those from  New York City, who don’t want to be perceived as gay or girlish even if they  wear skinny jeans or tight T-shirts.

Why should we be alarmed by the pattern and nature of boys’ friendships?

We should be alarmed because research about the relationships between boys  consistently reveals that friendships are key to all aspects of well-being.  Close friendships provide a sense of self-worth, validation, and connectedness  to the larger world and significantly enhance psychological, physical, and  academic health. Adolescents without close friendships are at risk of  depression, suicide, dropping out, disengagement from school, early pregnancy,  drug use, and gang membership. Research has even suggested that the effects of  the quality of friendships on adjustment may be stronger for boys than for  girls. Health researchers find that people with strong friendships are less  likely to get colds and common illnesses than people with fewer friends. Study  after study has underscored the importance of close friendships throughout the  lifespan.

In addition, much of the way we think about parenting and schooling boys is  based on gender stereotypes. Even the most recent school reforms, such as  creating curriculums, are based on gender stereotypes. The fact that boys do not  consistently fit gender stereotypes suggests that we need to rethink how we  parent boys as well as what we are doing in schools to foster boys’ development.  Recent scholarship in neuroscience, developmental psychology, psychiatry, and  evolutionary anthropology are emphasizing the empathic and coöperative nature of all humans. Thus, we should also be relieved, and not simply alarmed,  to discover that boys and men are human, too.

How can we help boys and girls (as well as men and women) to remain  better emotionally connected to one another?

We need to rethink how we are defining maturity, which, in this culture, is  equated with independence, autonomy, and separating from others. I think  maturity should be defined as the ability to have mutually supportive, intimate,  and deeply empathic relationships. If that was the epitome of maturity, the way  we think about parenting and about schooling our children would radically  change. In addition, if we paid attention to the decades of research  underscoring the importance of friendships for the psychological health of males  and females, we would also change the way we parent and school our children.  Rather than autonomy, independence, or critical thinking being the goal of  development, the goal would be to foster children’s social, emotional, and  cognitive capacities so that they can thrive in all areas of their lives.

A program called “Roots of  Empathy” is now being implemented in schools across Canada, in which they  try to foster empathy among school children to try and prevent bullying and  other sorts of negative school behavior. Schools that have integrated this  curriculum into their schools have lower rates of bullying and higher rates of  positive engagement in school. The U.S. should follow Canada in this respect.  Parents and teachers need to understand that fostering children’s social and  emotional well-being is just as important as fostering their academic  achievement and that student achievement is linked to social and emotional  well-being. Once we recognize that fact, we will be off to a brighter future.

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